Finding yourself

Recently I’ve been watching a lot of self-help videos and one thing I picked up is that “your 20s are meant to be spent figuring out who you are, what makes you happy and how to make the most out of life”. I must have heard this so many times and it seems like great advice but no matter what, I just can’t get it to stick. I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying new things, I rented my own place, went out with friends, trained rigorously for 6 months for a charity boxing fight and even attempted to start my own company. Each time I’ve tried something new I’ve felt great and motivated and like I’m on the right path. However, some hurdle always comes up that seems too insurmountable and I end up retreating back to my old ways. Becoming more recluse and feeling emptier than before. 

Am I just doing everything wrong? Am I not good enough to achieve the goals in my mind? What am I missing that other people possess that makes them go that one step further and become successful?

I’ve become a better human because of the experiences I’ve had and yet I still feel like I have no sense of self. I feel like the most boring person whenever I walk into a room. I feel like it’s not even worth talking to me. Going into every situation in life like this really is tiring and I just wish I could snap out of it.

I find myself wanting more but unable to obtain it, wanting to figure out a way through the struggles and magically come out of the other end happy. 

But I know this isn’t going to happen and this isn’t realistic. I can’t just sit around wanting things but doing nothing to achieve my goals. I need to work hard towards a goal, give my blood, sweat and tears to work tirelessly toward the life I desire. I need to find an idea and just go with it. I need to quit talking myself out of doing things that scare me or things that I think are stupid and that nobody would care about. My worst enemy is me and if I could just overcome this one issue I think I would be able to find comfort and happiness in the fact that I am able to express myself and be myself. 

Even if the stuff I make is terrible and no one cares, at least I will have said what I wanted to say and done what I wanted to do. I can look back on my life and not regret it, knowing that I really did live my truth. 

It’s weird that it seems like the journey to finding yourself requires you to stop listening to yourself too. Those internal thoughts where you think that you can’t do something because you’re afraid it won't work out or you’re afraid that you’ll be judged too harshly for it. The truth is, no one out there really cares what you do and as long as you’re trying and being genuine then it is incredibly brave and admirable. There’s nothing wrong with trying to achieve something to better yourself or the people you care for. 

Finding yourself is a journey and is never going to be easy. Failing is part of the journey and part of the creative process. You shouldn’t see it as a reason to stop trying, you should see it as a lesson to be learnt. A way to inspire new creativity and attempt even more things. Failure shouldn’t be feared, it should be embraced and let it inspire you to try even harder or do even better in the future. 

I think that once you let go of this sentiment that failure is a bad thing you can really open yourself up to experiencing new things and trying to find who you are in this whirling chaos of a life. You’ll feel so much freer in your mind and you will flourish as a vibrant person who doesn’t care what others think about you and who doesn’t talk themselves out of doing something. Don’t devalue your own thoughts, take your time to listen to them properly and try to understand why you feel the way you do and think the way you think. If you find yourself in an internal conflict, talking yourself out of an idea that you had, recognise this and really think about why you want to do it in the first place. 

Like I said, my worst enemy is my own cursed brain. I have so many ideas that I’ve stopped myself from doing because I’ve been too afraid of judgement or the feeling that what I have to say just isn’t worth saying. Going through this battle in your head every single day is so tiring and it really made me feel so trapped and alone in my own head. I felt like I had no one by my side simply because I never spoke up about the thoughts I had. If you stop listening to the voice that tells you that you “shouldn’t” or you “can’t” do something you will feel so much more free and invigorated and one step closer to truly finding out who you are.

The journey to finding yourself is never linear, and it certainly isn’t easy. But the important thing is that we keep pushing forward, even when things get tough. We’re all learning, growing, and making mistakes along the way. It’s through these experiences that we truly discover who we are. Don't be afraid to fail, to try something new, or to speak our truth. Embrace the journey, no matter how messy it may be.